Have you ever felt like you don’t truly fit in? You’re not alone. From CEOs to front-line employees – I often hear this statement. Each person shares as if it’s a horrible secret they wish wasn’t true.
Yet, what if the sense of not fitting in is part of what happens when we begin to outgrow a previous way of making sense of ourselves and the world.
What might feel like a gap between you and those around you could, in fact, be an expression of your stepping more fully into the unique gift that you bring to the world, your purpose. This tension isn’t something to avoid; it’s a vital part of the process of stepping into the magic of what you bring that no one else can.
I know that isn’t what you expected, as we all at times just want to fit in. Yet, think about it with me. What if fitting in is what we achieve when we are least purposeful. That which is our unique gift is the one thing we must give up if we really want to be similar to all of those around us. As Yogi Berra, a great American philosopher (Baseball player), said, “Nobody goes there anymore, it’s way too crowded.”
Purpose and Authorship
At the core of the word Authentic is the word “Author”. Having co-created the guide book on Authentic Leadership with Bill George we both are clear that at the center of owning your Authenticity is your purpose.
From this place, the very idea of “fitting in” starts to lose its hold. You become more concerned with living according to your internal values than external validation. You can appreciate the irony here: the more you lean into your purpose, the less likely you are to blend seamlessly into the systems around you. The more authentic you become as a leader.
After all, no one has ever become a great leader, won a Nobel prize or become a famous artist, actor, writer, by simply fitting in. Thus, you are in good company. Maybe it’s time to own your gift instead of trying to hide it.
The Trap of Achievement
In the pursuit of success, many of us work tirelessly to “prove” ourselves through achievement. We gain accolades, and with them, a sense of belonging. However, as I’ve seen in so many cases, there’s a point where this achievement-based identity can become a prison.
I once met someone who introduced themselves as the person that invented a popular drug (advertised on Sunday Football for many years). This was their identity, and it really made me pause. This person had achieved what very few people ever do, something that benefits many, yet that act would overshadow everything they do the rest of their life.
Success can subtly shift from something you do into something you are. You’ve turned your achievements into the core of your identity.
Following this path you too can spend the last 30 years of your life as a “FIP”—formerly important person. Their stories remain tethered to one act or one success, repeating the same narratives to whoever will listen.
Beyond Achievement an Identity based on Purpose
Those who continue to lead from a sense of purpose, however, follow a different trajectory. They don’t anchor their identity in their achievements. Their identity is grounded in their core purpose rather than fixed in past triumphs.
When they achieve success, it often feels anti-climactic—and that’s a good thing. They weren’t waiting for the world to validate them. Success, then, is simply a byproduct of the deeper satisfaction they feel from continually evolving and contributing in meaningful ways.
Fitting In vs. Belonging
Finally, I want to touch on the distinction between “fitting in” and “belonging.” When we speak of fitting in, we often mean aligning ourselves with the norms and expectations of those around us. But true belonging, as I see it, is something deeper. It comes when you are accepted as your authentic self, not as the person who conforms.
The colleagues with whom you truly belong are those who don’t ask you to hide your purpose or your uniqueness. These are the people where your growth is supported, not stunted. This is where you can be your full, evolving self, not simply an actor trying to fit into a predetermined role. These individuals truly have your back and may even be more committed to you leading from purpose than you are at times!
Embrace the Gift of Purpose
So, what does this mean for you? If you feel like you don’t fit in, that’s not a problem—it’s an opportunity. It may be a sign that you’re moving into becoming someone who is a map maker versus just following the old maps others are following that never worked.
Along the way, you’ll discover that the times when you feel most out of place are often the times when you’re stepping most fully into a deeper clarity of purpose.
So, may you never fully fit in, and may you find joy in living your purpose!